In Writing...

I always claim I am good. Yes, I was only good enough in this art that I love, in writing; and i felt so unsatisfied:(

This afternoon, as I was browsing some blogs in my friends' list, i visited one and decided to read it. After reading her works (and after having a "nose bleed" because of the terms she used...heheh), I felt something here inside me. An "I-don't-know-if-it's-a-bad-or-good" air touched me and whispered through my ears: "Enough is not good. More practice. Become a better writer, the best writer!" Yes, I heard those words and it made me feel so sad. It hurt me and low self-confidence manifested in me. I agreed to the voice; it's true. But as what I always say, truth sucks, truth hurts; and now, it's digging a deep hole here in my heart and carving words such as: "Grow up if you want to last long in this art." She was so damn good, but me, I'm also good... and damn:(i'm sorry, I used this term!)

I compared her works to my works---hers were far better than mine. We were both students but she's got the impression of a professional writer (actually, now she considers herself as a professional writer eventhough that she's only a student, and she's being paid for her works). She's got wide ideas, which sometimes, I could not grasp on them and my knowledge is seemed to be not enough to absorb and understand those. The terms she used were for deep for me, and the words were pretty highfalluting (I have encountered some of those words but still I don't know their meanings or how it shall be used) Do I sound like envious here or what?

I'm not envious. I just feel a little bit disappointed to myself; I mean, to my works. Thus, I am an amateur writer, trying hard to be a professional one... Thus, I am an immature writer, having no impression to the readers that my vocabulary is wide and my logical thinking is good (I haven't taken my logic!)

I could not remember (or maybe could not understand!hehehe:) the points she stated there but, there was one thing she said that struck me:

" I really want to write articles that will sound mature and contemplative."

...hmm... "Sa lagay na yun, it does not sound mature pa ah!)

Then I asked myself: "What is contemplative?" (smiles:)

According to the dictionary, it means "thoughtful or meditative".

Again, I thought for a while and took a short glance on my articles.

"Hey! Mine are contemplative, or in a more shallow term, meditative!" Pardon me but, I have to say this (say I'm boastful, but I'd like to utter this):

My compositions may not sound mature, but it's from my heart. I am 101% sure that my articles are meditative. Once a reader reads in one of my works, (maybe!) he'll have this question in his mind: "What the hell is she talking about? What does she mean? then he'll have this deep breath and continues: "... deep but interesting." And he may have a misinterpretation in what I have written... He may give himself a little while to think and meditate and say: "I don't get it!!!" (I don't care whether you understand this part or not... smile!!! read-between-the-lines... ask me!!!)

(ting!!!!!!!)

I can't help myself but to laugh at myself! hahaha... I don't know but, one of my articles reminded me "not to impress but to express"... and still another one said "trust yourself, you're a good writer...aim to be the best!"

To myself, I'm sorry for not trusting and believing in my own capacity... for in my mind, I have once thought I was not good and I can't be the better or the best I can be.

Okey, enough with all these "dramatic speeches!"... hmm.. Wait, so what? Don't resist me to say all of these. I'm a writer, remember? I'm free to say what I want to say.

Continue...

The bottomline is that, I learned something:

"I don't need to have the style of other writers for I have my own. I need not to borrow other's slippers just to look good; I have my own pair of flip flops and I look better on it:)

One thing more is that, it is not important to have this "professional impression" of mine towards other people. What is more important is that, I could express myself and I am free to say whatever I want to say. I don't care if I'll be misunderstood or misinterpreted (bahala kayo sa buhay nyong mabaliw!hehehe) I also don't need to explain everything here, because it's really hard to write yet it is so refreshing! The readers will be the one to dissect and discover the meaning behind what I am saying. Lastly, my knowledge is useless without having wisdom. I'd better have a shallow article which is comprised of "words of wisdom" (because I could touch my readers), than to have a "sounds-like-professional" composition that is so hard to understand, and at the end, the reader will not really understand it!

(got it?)