A Butterfly's Dream... On the Process of Metamorphosis

Immature Blog Closed

This blog will no longer be updated. It will only serve as one of the pieces which completes the puzzle of my life.
I consider this as a blog that truly helped me develop into a more mature person; a once dwelling place of my childish thoughts. Thank God, the pillars of this blog had served as the wiper of my tears. Thank you.
I shall always remember how this blog become my ever first shock absorber every time my human friends cannot understand me.

I'm using my real blog. Please visit this when you have chance and leave comments.

http://yamii.wordpress.com

Thank you. God bless us all. God bless the persons behind this site. God bless this site, Friendster/Friendster Blogs.

Women are Apples, Men are Frogs!

As I was browsing on my sister's message inbox this afternoon, I saw this cute message:

Women are like apples on a tree, the best ones are on the top. Men don't want to reach to the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt, so they just settle for the rotten beneath; not good but easy to get. Then the apples on top think something's wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing! They just have to wait for the right men to come, those who are brave enough to climb the tree all the way to the top, not scared to take a fall...

Allowing myself to find more messages,  spotted this another cute qoute:

There's an old story that says, "you can't kill a frog by dropping it into a boling water, cause it reacts so quickly to the sudden heat, that it'll jump out before it's hurt. But if you put it into cold water and gradually warm the water, the frog never decides to jump 'til it's too late." Men are the same when you suddenly show you like them, they get to dump you abruptly, but if you treat them cold at first and make things hard for them, they'll be attached and never know they're already into you.

These cute text messages made me stop and think for awhile... and smile so big:)

Sometimes, I used to ask "what's my worth?" ("am i important to others? am i worth taking the risk? do i put smiles to other's faces?") and don't tend to realize how precious I am... Funny but, sometimes, because of my immaturity and paranoia, (i didn't say " and narrow-mindedness" because i ain't a narrow-minded person!hehehe:) I think that something is wrong with me---"wawa naman ako!" (self-pity)

BUT I AM NOT! Now I realized how profound my personality is. You know, this high self-esteem is bursting and flowing inside me, (but of course, i must always remember to keep my feet on the ground) because I am more than amazing, more than wonderful! (this-could-be-love glow! hahahahah:)

Indeed, I'm one of those best apples on top... so yummy, so delicious, so fresh! aw! hehehehe:)... yet so hard to get... very precious that everyone wanted...yeah! (i know there are lots of girls out there who think they're not wonderful because as of now, they've never been loved, never been kissed, never been touched... but totally rotten! joke...--- "excuse me, the second to the last and last descriptions: hindi ako ganun! hahahah c:"--- DO NOT WORRY, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!)

Indeed I am one of those frog catchers who puts a frog in a cold water then suddenly pours warm water until the frog has no choice but to stay. ("aw! ang hangin!")

"Stay! Stay! There's no way to escape!!!! WWAAAAhahahahaha!!!!!"

COME ON, GIRLS, BE ONE OF US! (wink!",)

In short, men are frogs! hahahahaah:)

In Writing...

I always claim I am good. Yes, I was only good enough in this art that I love, in writing; and i felt so unsatisfied:(

This afternoon, as I was browsing some blogs in my friends' list, i visited one and decided to read it. After reading her works (and after having a "nose bleed" because of the terms she used...heheh), I felt something here inside me. An "I-don't-know-if-it's-a-bad-or-good" air touched me and whispered through my ears: "Enough is not good. More practice. Become a better writer, the best writer!" Yes, I heard those words and it made me feel so sad. It hurt me and low self-confidence manifested in me. I agreed to the voice; it's true. But as what I always say, truth sucks, truth hurts; and now, it's digging a deep hole here in my heart and carving words such as: "Grow up if you want to last long in this art." She was so damn good, but me, I'm also good... and damn:(i'm sorry, I used this term!)

I compared her works to my works---hers were far better than mine. We were both students but she's got the impression of a professional writer (actually, now she considers herself as a professional writer eventhough that she's only a student, and she's being paid for her works). She's got wide ideas, which sometimes, I could not grasp on them and my knowledge is seemed to be not enough to absorb and understand those. The terms she used were for deep for me, and the words were pretty highfalluting (I have encountered some of those words but still I don't know their meanings or how it shall be used) Do I sound like envious here or what?

I'm not envious. I just feel a little bit disappointed to myself; I mean, to my works. Thus, I am an amateur writer, trying hard to be a professional one... Thus, I am an immature writer, having no impression to the readers that my vocabulary is wide and my logical thinking is good (I haven't taken my logic!)

I could not remember (or maybe could not understand!hehehe:) the points she stated there but, there was one thing she said that struck me:

" I really want to write articles that will sound mature and contemplative."

...hmm... "Sa lagay na yun, it does not sound mature pa ah!)

Then I asked myself: "What is contemplative?" (smiles:)

According to the dictionary, it means "thoughtful or meditative".

Again, I thought for a while and took a short glance on my articles.

"Hey! Mine are contemplative, or in a more shallow term, meditative!" Pardon me but, I have to say this (say I'm boastful, but I'd like to utter this):

My compositions may not sound mature, but it's from my heart. I am 101% sure that my articles are meditative. Once a reader reads in one of my works, (maybe!) he'll have this question in his mind: "What the hell is she talking about? What does she mean? then he'll have this deep breath and continues: "... deep but interesting." And he may have a misinterpretation in what I have written... He may give himself a little while to think and meditate and say: "I don't get it!!!" (I don't care whether you understand this part or not... smile!!! read-between-the-lines... ask me!!!)

(ting!!!!!!!)

I can't help myself but to laugh at myself! hahaha... I don't know but, one of my articles reminded me "not to impress but to express"... and still another one said "trust yourself, you're a good writer...aim to be the best!"

To myself, I'm sorry for not trusting and believing in my own capacity... for in my mind, I have once thought I was not good and I can't be the better or the best I can be.

Okey, enough with all these "dramatic speeches!"... hmm.. Wait, so what? Don't resist me to say all of these. I'm a writer, remember? I'm free to say what I want to say.

Continue...

The bottomline is that, I learned something:

"I don't need to have the style of other writers for I have my own. I need not to borrow other's slippers just to look good; I have my own pair of flip flops and I look better on it:)

One thing more is that, it is not important to have this "professional impression" of mine towards other people. What is more important is that, I could express myself and I am free to say whatever I want to say. I don't care if I'll be misunderstood or misinterpreted (bahala kayo sa buhay nyong mabaliw!hehehe) I also don't need to explain everything here, because it's really hard to write yet it is so refreshing! The readers will be the one to dissect and discover the meaning behind what I am saying. Lastly, my knowledge is useless without having wisdom. I'd better have a shallow article which is comprised of "words of wisdom" (because I could touch my readers), than to have a "sounds-like-professional" composition that is so hard to understand, and at the end, the reader will not really understand it!

(got it?)

Missing Half of My Life:(

I was so eager to convince my mom in allowing me to go in Baguio for a retreat, which will be tomorrow. I got frustrated for she does not want me to come. She said it's holiday and she was worried because anything might happen to me or what. ("kaya nga holiday eh, para makapag-relax! 'anything might happen'? yes, may mangyayari nga sakin dun... good!") I cried a lot to her, but she did not listen. I felt like my prayers were not enough and felt like I was not so effective on talking with God (hay, siguro yun lang yung ipinapasok ni Satan sa isip ko... bad! Rebuke Satan!)

I will be missing half of my life. That encounter with God only happens once in a year. They could not understand why I really like to go. I want to get closer to Him and through it, I would have this deliverance--- this is the main purpose of this EGR (Encountering God's Retreat). My soul will be delivered from sins... my whole self! Maybe when I come back, I will be a new being.

It is so hard to grow in spirit. I can say that I'm still immature when it comes to this, which affects all the aspects of my life. Changing my old skin isn't really an easy task. It is a lifetime process. Maybe it is not yet the time for me, but I must not give up in attaining my goal---to have a great burning fire on praising and serving God.

I don't know the reason why even God did not allow me to come even if it's for Him why I'm going there, but I know that this is only a test of my faith to Him.

There is a time for everything...

Tête-à-tête between Me and Myself

"I think I could not take this", says Me.

And then Myself replied: "If i could only wash your pains away, I would definitely do it now, but the problem was, I don't know how."

"I was blinded by the rays of sorrow. My pains are overflowing as if they can no longer occupy the windows of my soul. We're still in the depth of the tragic life we share."

"Me, you can carry on these things. We can carry on... Let's just trust one another, just don't let me cry too, okey? Please, oh please, do not let the oxygen of this heart be trapped by melancholy. Please do not hurt me too:("

"Yes, we could make this. We'll have a bundle of laughs as soon as we overcome all our miseries. Just do not, as in never leave me, Myself. Always say you love me. If I could not be secured to somebody else, assured me you'll stay."

"Yes, always bear in mind I love you and I'll always inhabit in you. We're inseparable, right?"

once upon a time i was a hopeless romantic

I found myself crying every night during my highschool years. It was painful for me that i tend to love people who can't love me back (what i am talking about here are opposite sex) There were some kind of a heavy things on my chest; And i couldn't breathe. Oh, my love life before wasn't really that monotonous or uncolorful. I was exaggerated when i said that they didn' love me back. Actually, they did. They loved me as their admirers, as a little sister and as a friend or classmate. But there was a person that became so special to me since our freshman years and loved me back too. For four years we've been together, we got closer to each other, and soon realized that he's my first love. But love is not that certain, you know. Because we did the right love at the wrong time. We were both immature that time and uncompatible. We both have had some same attitudes that we didn't deal with. We became prisoners of our pride, anger and mistrust.

I was then a hopeless romantic--who believed in signs, destiny and dreams about love. Before, i can write love poems in just a click an hour...the tone: weariness, sadness---my heart's crying.. I wrote in my diary about what happened to me in school. It was purely love life and friendship. There was a time when i wrote bout the things that happened to me on September 2005. That was really sad, that it was about my first love. Where the happy things and sad incidents of my "love-school life",  there was my first love too. And even when i entered my college year (first sem) it was difficult for me to get over that person. But i am so thankful that three or four months ago, i learned to get rid of that person in my mind. Thanks to my friends, thanks to a new love, a new life--thanks to the Lord!

Without You Lord , i am not this strong.

Indeed God has a reason why he let that person not to be mine for a longer time. (maybe He let that person told me the words "i love you", which made me answer "i love you too", and became (you know) not more than a month, because He made me weak that time so that i'll put much trust unto Him) And yes! Now i know the reason why He did it--that is to find and have a new person better than the past.

Today, when i see the stuffs of my highschool life, the letters from my friends, my compilation of self-made love poems, some memorabillas, especially the diary that i made for the month of September 2005(it's like a book because i wrote more than a hundred pages--english words), I only laugh and say that "It was so corny!" now that i am a grown up, i can say that this wasn't yet the end of the story of my love life. I dont know if it'll be a happy ending for me or what. But i know that God doesn't make UNHAPPY ENDINGS, right?

a msg of love:to someone special

I hope as he drops by my profile,and drops by my blog, he'll be reading this even for just awhile. I dont know how I'll tell him that he's become one of the most important persons in my life. I cant command the doves to deliver my message. I can whisper it to the wind but surely, he wont be hearing what i'll be saying.So i think this is the best thing to do when i still have no courage to tell him directly..

Well, this is once called "a secret msg of luv that has been revealed, but was denied by me." But due to my aim of moving on, peace of mind, and contenment, i would like to utter these few words: "i've loved you"

I know we'd taken our separate ways, and now we're facing dif't worlds.. I just hoped that we shared a single life--full of romance and love-- when we're both setting our feet on the same ground before. But what could i do? There have been many things that hindered us from going to our final destination, and we didnt work them out. Instead, we let them prevail over us,and i guess our greatest enemy was our pride..

I'll never forget how he became the sweetest person i've ever met.Yes, despite of his being that "sometimes harsh and rude guy" ,he has proven me that he's gentle and sooo sweet. And i like him to remember these:

"Thanks for crossing your fingers on mine and hiding them behind your bag; for resting your arms and head on my shoulders; for letting mine rest on yours too;for moving your body towards mine,attachingit slowly; for your hands that had served as comb of my hair;for your eyes that made me fall out of my chair; for sitting beside me;for letting me sit beside you too; for playing w/my shoes;for buying me H2O to drink;for accompanying me in calling practices for choir;for helping me do our tasks together;for not noticing your crush when you're w/me;for noticing my imperfections and correcting them;for complimenting my lips and everything that's so nice to me;for observing simple things in me;for teasing me;for quarrelling w/me;for making me upset; for putting tears on my cheeks;for making me blush;for bringing out the best, and even the wost in me;for adding spice in my life; and lastly, for somehow making me feel so special to you.. a million thanks! and for you, i love you..

My best friend keeps on asking me why i chose him, despite of all the ungrateful things we see and know about him. i just simply say "i dont know".. And that i've found out the real essence of love. It is seeing the beauty behind imperfections, and loving a person without any reason..

Wheeeew!! this set me free! I feel like i was a captive freed from prison..I've learned a lot fom this experience, and i'll be opening my doors again. But as i open them,i'll put him in the deepest nook of my heart,lock it, and throw the key, so he'll be forever in me..

Now I've done my part. And it's time for him to do his..:/